Breaking Up With My Right-Hand

I am currently in the process of breaking up with my right hand.

A few years ago, precisely six years ago, I lost function in my hands and fingers. I was an undergraduate at the time, a Literature major, and I was in desperate need of functional hands. How else would I write long essays? Our exams consisted of filling up empty pages with as much intellectual jargon as you could possibly manage. Of course there was also the Multiple Choice component, but that was manageable; it’s really easy to form a circle around a letter, even kindergarteners can do that. Messy circles, but hey, it’s no art class. I barely managed to take my exams, and I requested more time to write. My handwriting was barely readable – but then again, it hardly ever is. It was simply more deformed. Fortunately, my professors were understanding and did not acknowledge the sudden dysfunction that arose. I passed, with a flying (and flawed) blue pen in my hand.

Eventually, I regained function. Things went back to normal. Until a few days ago, when I realized my right hand had re-developed a tremor. Wonderful. Not only does it come at the most inappropriate time, but also, it is one of those tremors that medical terminology labels “Intention Tremor.” Simply put, this type of tremor is at its worst only when you want to use your hand; i.e. voluntary movement. When at rest, it is functional and as good as new. Ironic, no?

I depend on my right hand for nearly everything. My left is nearly non-existent. So, as always, I like to have a back-up plan.

I am currently in the process of training my left hand to become my right. Apparently, this can be done. I looked up the term, because as always, there is a word, which doesn’t adequately describe the complexity of this sudden dramatic intrusion. But enough whining. Here it is:

Ambidextrous. adj

1. equally expert with each hand

2. Informal highly skilled or adept

3. underhanded; deceitful

My favorite definition, is naturally, the third. To be deceitful. Who would I be deceiving?

First off, it seems that one needs to trick their brain, the subconscious, into thinking that the left hand is now the dominant one. I am wearing my watch on my right hand now, hoping that this will help fool my brain into re-adjusting itself. Also, I have to buy writing notebooks, the ones that second graders use to learn cursive. I should be practicing my writing. Also, I have to keep my right hand in my pocket at all times. Because it is no longer visible, I hope to deceive my brain into thinking it does not exist.

I am trying to break this cycle of dependency. This right hand of mine has all the power, and it’s time for us to breakup. This will require determination, because I am absolutely in love with my right hand. She’s the one who does everything for me – eats those juicy steaks, writes those long essays, types insanely quickly on my phone, makes my morning coffee – the list is endless.

But, she can no longer serve me the same. I have to move on. Let’s see if I’ll make it.